My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
