The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
