The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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