What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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