mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you would pick up someone in the library
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
