so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
