Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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