I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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