Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
