I feel great
I just peed on a car
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
