I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I looked at my own cervix.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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