Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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