Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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