you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
