my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
