and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
