Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
