It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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