My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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