After last night, I could never be a politician.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
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