God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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