I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
