So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
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I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
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We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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