Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
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