I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
