If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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