Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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