Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
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