Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
