after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
