cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
