Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
