I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
