so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My dad just said "fuck circus"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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