Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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