My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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