Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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