I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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