Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
