I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
im holly from the hills drunk
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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