home. puking in laundry basket.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
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Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
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His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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