PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
