I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
