yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
