Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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