I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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