Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
