just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
