Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I CAN MOONWALK!
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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