You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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