i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
