My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
